Waiting for Clementine

MA melancholy feeling drapes

settles over my shoulders

and cloaks my chest

like a weighted blanket

like going weeks without

catchingpulling in a full breath.

 

35 weeks pregnant again—.

My head reminds me of my excitement

while my tired body

breathes heavy and shallow.

 

This is fear, this feeling.

 

I am controlled by my breath

constricted like my lungs

shoved  up into a caged feelingbroken bone prison.

Displaced within my own parameters.

My ribs an aching,  and cracking cage

This is the fear:

What if

I’ve been wrong

about all of it?

Filling the seats at the table,

Planning for memory making,

Hoping for sibling friendships,

Desiring another soft, sweaty body

a second new soul

to love.

My fear wonders if I’veHave I made an irreconcilable mistake?.

My fear is constricted lungs in a broken prison.Have I displaced myself?

Overestimated myself?

Did I trade my future for a dream?

 

But I can float above

 

look down and See my fear

as something physical.

I can float back and remember

the breath is coming.

When my body will push down

Every cell fighting for our independencedown

Constriction leading to expansion

And joy will break open through my hips—

She will take a first airy breath

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